Friday, March 22, 2013

Head of Sony Pictures Wants Gay Slurs And Sterotypes Out Of Movies


Deadline: It’s rare for moguls to push moral responsibility to Hollywood, let alone action. Last night at a sold-out LA Gay & Lesbian Center gala that raised $1 million for homeless gay and lesbian youth, honoree Amy Pascal asked the industry to scrutinize its depiction of LGBT characters in film and television: “How about next time, when any of us are reading a script and it says words like fag, or faggot – homo – dyke – take a pencil and just cross it out”. 

     This is becoming unbearable. What's next no more fat jokes?  I guess I missed the memo that said it was unacceptable to point out people's differences. Yes, most gay characters follow gay stereotypes but most if not all other characters abide by one stereotype or another.  If you don't want to see a movie that uses faggot or nigger or retard don't watch it. It's that simple.  It's not like a movie executive has ever said, "the script is great but do you think we could work in some more gay slurs? I fucking hate gays and want everyone who sees this movie to know they should be second class citizens."  If LGBT supporters were really seeking equality why is it not ok to make fun anyone that falls under LGBT umbrella   According to these people it's ok to make fun of someone for any reason as long as that reason is not that they are gay.  That doesn't seem very equal to me.  

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Is March Madness Overrated?


     I hate to come off as a contrarian hipster douche, but the more I think about it the more I realize March Madness is totally overrated.  Sure, there is an abundance of games in a short amount of time, that's cool I guess.  And who doesn't love giving $50 dollars to their stupid twat friend who filled out his bracket by flipping a coin?  My favorite part of this whole charade has to be when they trot president out on national TV to "reveal" his picks.  If the president of the United States has anything other than four one seeds (excluding any alma maters) in his final four he should immediately be impeached. The two minutes he takes to talk about his picks on TV is already borderline wasting too much of his time.  There's literally thousands of bigger issues he should be dealing with than this stupid tournament.  If you really care who anyone, regardless of their social standing, has as their 12-5 upset this year you need to take a hot bath with a toaster (make sure it's plugged in too).  
     I don't understand why there are so many teams in the tournament.  Actually that's a lie. It's big so it can make more money, but from a logical standpoint it makes no sense to me.  What is the deal with the outrage over the at-large teams that did/didn't make it? The amount of time spent bitching and moaning about one team deserving to be the sixty-eighth team over another is mind blowing to me.  News flash: they're the sixty-fucking-eighth team.  Does the sixty-eighth best team in the country really have/deserve a shot to be the champion? Say what you want about the BCS but isn't arguing who are the top two teams in the country a more captivating argument than who is the sixty-eighth? 
     The whole thing is just sickening to me.  The NCAA does everything they can to suck every last penny out of this tournament. Meanwhile they're banning players that take money for groceries.  I would love nothing more than to see the big five or six conferences come together to castrate the NCAA.  Simply ban together and decide they're going to do their own thing for basketball and football.  They could totally revamp the playoff systems in both sports to fall in line with the normal  playoff system like every other major sport in the world.  On top of that they can throw out the rule book and do whatever they want.  The cherry on top would have to be that the schools in this super conference would only have to split the money with other super conference schools.  There are way more reasons to do this than to not.  If we're lucky this will all fall into place by 2020.

March Madness Pick

     

     I'm absolutely kicking myself for not blogging this earlier but Louisville is going to win the tournament.  I realize after the amazing game they had tonight in the Big East Championship everyone is treating them like the first chick to sprout tits in middle school.  I've talking up Louisville to my buds all season.  
     Admittedly, I don't follow college basketball very closely but here's what I do know:  Peyton Siva can win.  If John Calapari didn't wiggle his way out of punishment for ignoring every fucking recruiting rule in the book there is no doubt in my mind Louisville wins it all.  On top of having that leader on the court that can dictate almost all aspects of the game they have, in my opinion, the best coach in college hoops.  
     As bad as Rick Pitino was with the Celtics the dude is an absolutely incredible college coach.  He just plain and simple knows what it takes to be successful on that level.  On top of that, the guy just exudes swag.  Whether he's strutting the sideline in an all white suit or fucking sluts in a TGI Fridays and paying them three grand to get an abortion, Pitino has this Paulie Walnuts "I'll do whatever's necessary to get the job done" vibe.  He's an intimidating character that no other coach wants to go up against.  While I'm sad to see Big East Basketball go the way of Brad Pitt's wife in Se7en I'm excited to see Pitino expose Duke and UNC for the overrated frauds they are.      

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Magician Arrested For Being A Bookie


WCVB:

'Bra trick' magician arrested for illegal gaming-

The School Committee chairman whose infamous “bra trick” at a meeting led to his resignation from the board was arrested this week on an illegal gaming charge, the Patriot Ledger reported.  Russell FitzGerald, 51, was released on personal recognizance after being arraigned at Brockton District Court Friday on one charge of allowing or taking bets, said Assistant District Attorney Russ Eonas.

    First off, can someone please explain to me why gambling is illegal?  There's not a huge difference between some of the derivative trading that goes on on Wall St and gambling.  Someone on Wall St would never say it was gambling.  They'd tell you they have a "system" that minimizes risk and maximises profits.  Last time I checked, that guy watching TVG in his underwear, betting on horse races has a similar "system".
     Secondly, is there anything better than being know as the "bra trick" magician guy?  Michael Richards will always be "that nigger guy", Steve-O is "That mother-fucking crazy guy", this guy is apparently the infamous "bra trick guy".  I'm not really sure what this is referring to but judging by how they set it up I'm sure it was some pussification of America bullshit. 
     Does this guy have horny house wives coming up to him at the grocery store begging him to do the bra trick to them? They make it seem like seem like I should instantly recognize Russell FitzGerald the way you instantly recognize Ted Kaczynski.  I have to assume that because I have no clue who the fuck he is he must be one of those male sex symbols that only women and gay men know exist; like Adam Lambert.  



The Worst Part of The Sequester Is That A Study Looking Into Why Dykes Are Fat Will Not Be Completed


Brigham & Women's  (provided by applicant: Sexual Orientation and Obesity: Test of a Gendered Biopsychosocial Model Obesity is one of the most critical public health issues affecting the U.S. today. Racial and socioeconomic disparities in the determinants, distribution, and consequences of obesity are receiving increasing attention; however, one area that is only beginning to be recognized is the striking interplay of gender and sexual orientation in obesity disparities. It is now well-established that women of minority sexual orientation are disproportionately affected by the obesity epidemic, with nearly three-quarters of adult lesbians overweight or obese, compared to half of heterosexual women. In stark contrast, among men, heterosexual males have nearly double the risk of obesity compared to gay males. Despite clear evidence from descriptive epidemiologic research that sexual orientation and gender markedly pattern obesity disparities, there is almost no prospective, analytic epidemiologic research into the causes of these disparities. It will be impossible to develop evidence-based preventive interventions unless we first answer basic questions about causal pathways, as we plan to do. Our study has high potential for public health impact not only for sexual minorities but also for heterosexuals, as we seek to uncover how processes of gender socialization may exacerbate obesity risk in both sexual minority females and heterosexual males. 

     Forget gun control, immigration, and health care how can we idly stand by and watch as the results of this sure-to-be Nobel Prize winning study gets flushed down the toilet? I guess this study, like many other great studies, is just too ahead of its time.  Just like the world was not ready for many of Niokola Tesla's great experiments the world clearly is not ready to know the reason why lesbians have a high propensity to be overweight. I'm such an idiot; I didn't even know that was a thing.  
    How did someone get over 700 grand a year for 2 years for this?  I'm almost positive two stoner psychology majors (is stoner psych major redundant?) came up with this study while they were roasted and submitted it as a joke.  How much of that 700k a year went towards Funyons and Doritos Locos Tacos? 
     Anyway, I really hope Barry O will step in with one of his trusty executive orders and get this thing the additional funding it needs.  This study is a potential JFK "to the moon" moment for Barack. If he can get this thing done before 2016 I'm pretty positive America will unanimously insist that he serves a third term.  

Sunday, March 10, 2013

How Long Until Ed Hochuli Starts Wearing One of These During NFL Games?


     I'm sure the second Big Ed Hochuli saw this he called Roger Goddell to lobby for one of those bad boys before he even cleaned the cum off of his keyboard.  Honestly, as insufferable as Hochuli can be the NFL would be crazy not to do this with at least one game a week.  Who wouldn't pay for a channel that gives you a couple games a week from the refs point of view? No commercials, raw audio of the players, and no listening to Joe Buck, Bob Costas or Boomer Esiason; instead of watching the twenty plus clowns ESPN has breaking down Monday Night Football you can hear Pete Carroll tell the ref he stinks or Rex Ryan tell the ref to go fuck himself. It would completely change the way people watch football and hopefully kill the embarrassment that is the Red Zone Network.  

Thursday, March 7, 2013

All These People Refusing To Play A Concert For The Boy Scouts Confuse Me.

   
     So recently there has been a lot of coverage by the media on performers like Carly Ray Jepsen and Train publicly declining to preform for the Boy Scouts.  Now as a disclaimer to this whole blog, I don't care who you fuck and I don't care who marry as long as its not a little boy/girl age infant to 17.  Also, while I don't agree with the Boy Scout's policy I don't think what they're doing is illegal.  Shitty? Sure but illegal? Absolutely not.
     Has anyone ever been upset because they got kicked out of the boy scouts for being a fairy? First off I don't know too many kids that are openly gay/ even know what gay is that are of age to be in the boy scouts.  Isn't this just a homophobic fear towards the troop leaders?  I figured everyone signed up for Boy Scouts for a year went on a crappy camping trip, built a car out of a block of wood, and sold   shitty popcorn then got out.  If you didn't get diddled by an old guy or explore your developing body with a peer it was considered a win.  When I was growing up Boy Scots was something you did until you figured out sports.  Once you could play little league baseball and in-town baskeball who the hell wants to go in the woods and sleep on the grond? (Future serial killers and pedophiles that's who).
     I don't understand why self-righteous Carley Ray Blowjob is above playing a gig for the Boy Scouts.  So you don't agree with their politics who cares? You have one good song that is already borderline irrelevant and a video online of you giving a really crappy blow job on the Internet.  I got news sweetie, pretty soon no one is going be calling you to do a concert so you need to make all the money you can now.  Who know's maybe you'll make another hit but you certainly won't be blowing you're way to the top.
     Why is this even a news story? We get it you don't want to get work for them but there's no need to announce it to the world that you aren't playing.  Maybe I'm just a dick, but if I was in this situation I would take the money and run.  Then when it comes time to preform you just rub the homophobia in their face. Come out just rocking head to toe glitter everything.  You could have some kind of phallic shaped object that all your back up daners and shit are throwing around and just pissing them off.  While that last sentence might make me seem homophobic, but if Carley Rae Blumpkin did that and the boy scouts freaked no one would be calling her a homophobe.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

AD Claims Trainer Exaggerated Injury To Help Team Win


Boston Herald: (Statement from the AD) We believe that we were victims of bad sportsmanship and unprofessional behavior by both the trainer for Shawsheen Tech and its athletic director.
     We are alleging that during the fourth quarter forward Deandra Humphries was wrongfully disqualified by the athletic trainer with intent to change the outcome of the game. Humphries was clearly poked in the eye and was not struck in the head with any forceful impact.
     After the trainer was tending to Humphries, he quickly ruled her out for the game ruling that she was not responsive. Student was totally coherent and experienced no immediate headache and sensitivity to light. New Mission went on to lose the contest and Humphries was taken to the hospital where medical doctors at Children's Hospital in Boston declared her free of "any" concussion symptoms.
     What made me suspicious was the fact that earlier in the game, two ladies collided head to head. We sent one to the trainer where she was shortly sent back and not disqualified. This made me question the intent of the trainer because neither player (from the head to head collision) had a competitive impact on the game like Humphries.
     We are disappointed in this incident because we feel that it took away from a very competitive contest. Moving forward we would like for teams who have away games to travel with their own athletic trainers so subjective decisions like this would not impact or hurt the integrity of the game.

     I am 100% with the AD on this one.  I realize athletic directors have a bad reputation, and I'm not saying that reputation isn't deserved.  I just can't imagine a situation where a player gets a concussion in a girls basketball. I mean sure it could happen but I'd imagine it's about as common as seeing a a self-confident person eating at Cinnabon.  Before you get all butt hurt and think I'm a misogynistic prick let me point out that concussions are super rare in the NBA, the fastest, most elite level of basketball on the planet; so how could someone get a concussion in game with a final score totaling in the low seventies? 
     It should be noted that all of the blame does not go on the trainer here.  It's not like the chick got poked in the eye and trainer ran onto the court to stop the play and say the girl couldn't play.  I'm positive the girl who got hit was freaking out about her eye.   She probably had half the gym (I'd say ten people would be a liberal estimate) thinking she lost an eye.  
     You would never see a controversy like this in a guys' game.  If this happens in a boys' basketball game the kid is telling the trainer to go fuck himself while he jogs back down the court to play defense and probably bitching to the ref about not calling a foul.  If it just so happens the trainer is an attractive girl in her mid-twenties and the game is not important you might see some drama going on.  Either way, there is no way a dude playing in a closely contested state tournament game is letting the trainer anywhere near him.

P.S. Concussions are quickly become a building block for the Pussification of America  to build it's platform with.  

Monday, March 4, 2013

Head of Catholic Church In Scotland Admits To Inappropriate Sexual Behavior


     GB: In a statement issued by the Catholic church in Scotland, Cardinal Keith O’Brien has addressed allegations made against him by five priests within the church, and admitted that his “sexual conduct” has been “below the standards expected” of him.
     
     So I realize that this news is about as surprising as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west but you can't help but laugh.  Has there ever been a group that has lierally demonized a behavior  while still participating in it? I suppose if you look hard enough everyone is a hypocrite, but the Catholic Church just continues to out do itself.  
     There's something inherently funny about the thought of two priests giving it to each other. My head just instantly fills with important life questions that have no answers like: What's Jesus's policy on reach arounds? Do they drip prayer candle wax on each other's chest? Do they use a safe word or do they just ring the altar bells?
     In all seriousness though it's good to see that at least one person in the church is into saggy old balls instead of boinking little kids.  Maybe the good people over at Christian Mingle will set up a section just for priests that would like to sample other priests' "holy water".  I'm sure initially the Christian community will be outraged, but you get Don Draper to run an ad campaign explaining that it's an alternative to little kids getting diddled and I'm sure people will simmer down.  
     

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Woman In Hot Water After Letting Her Son Pump Gas


The Smoking GunA Pennsylvania woman who allegedly allowed her three-year-old son to pump gas into the family car was charged today with endangering the welfare of a child, police report.
Theresa A. Moran Camara, 46, was named in amisdemeanor criminal complaint filed in District Court.
     According to investigators, cops responded last month to a Giant gas station in Lancaster “for a report of a toddler using the gas pump.” Officers discovered, however, that the child was no expert pump jockey.
     A witness, Gregory McCarter, reported that he had observed “a female instructing a very young child on how to pump gas into the vehicle.” McCarter, who said he saw the boy “pumping gas into the vehicle by himself,” added that, “the boy must have pulled the pump out before releasing the handle, because he ended up spraying gasoline onto himself.

     My gut reaction to this story was of the pussification of America variety. Then I saw the picture of the woman and after I was done choking on my vomit I realized this story is more complex than I originally thought. Would it really have killed her to get out of the car and pump her own gas? I suppose given her appearance and probable hygiene it's not out of the question but let's assume her ass is not fused with the captains chair.  
     I'm all for kids pumping gas.  One of the most fun things to do on a long road trip is to see who in the family can get a perfect pump. That being said you should probably wait till the kid can tie his shoes and wipe his own ass before you let him pump the gas. This kid wasn't even in kindergarten yet, really not ideal gas pumping age.  
     Now regardless of age, the issue here isn't the gross lazy mother it's the Dudley Dogooder  with the thick frame glasses wearing some weird fucking hat.  He's at the gas station and he see's Jabba the Hutt's wife letting her son pump gas.  Couldn't he have just given the mother one of those judgey looks that just eats though your soul? Or hey, how about just making a snarky comment to a frie... oh wait never mind.  Well you could take a picture and put it on the internet or God forbid you just act like you didn't see anything and walk away.  It's one thing if a cop was driving by, saw it and was like "Hey you... you.. you can't do that." but to call the cops is a just mind blowing to me.  I'm not sure I give a enough fucks about other people to look up from my phone while I'm at the gas station, let alone put in the effort to call the police and let them know what the fuck is going on.