Stay Classy San Francisco

SF library installs computer privacy screens for more discreet porn-watching:  In response to complaints about San Francisco Public Library visitors openly viewing explicit content, including pornography, the network has installed plastic screens to block monitors from people nearby. 




     I shit you not, that is a real article from a real newspaper.  Seriously this is what our country has come to? I'm going to file this story in the pussification of America folder.  Society is so messed up that we can't even tell people to not masturbate in public?  Don't get me wrong I like to consider myself a quasi-libertarian but you gotta draw the line somewhere.  Why doesn't San Francisco just put a giant neon sign that says: "Public Masturbation Encouraged!" outside of every library.  I mean you have unlimited, free access to porn and little kids, install a roofie dispenser at the door and it's a one stop shop for sexual deviants.  Now I can hear a couple of you playing devil's advocate thinking, "Well what if it's for research?"; "Censorship is bad."; and "Just because you're looking at porn doesn't mean you have to masturbate."  You know what kind of people look at porn and don't masturbate? People like Ted Bundy and Timothy McVeigh.  Don't worry though I think I found a solution that not only helps to keep away serial rapists and killers but put a dent in that giant debt the great state of California is in.  People who want to look at porn in the library can pay 5 bucks for 10 color print outs of any naughty pics of their choice, a tube of lube and 5 minutes in the john.  After that 5 minutes is up there is an overage fee of two dollars a minute.  Based on the news article library porn is in such high demand California will be back in the black in no time.


P.S. Nancy Pelosi- I'm sure you're reading this and wondering why you never thought of this.  No need to thank me just erect a statue in my honor when your state is saved.        

Mumbles Doesn't Want Chik-Fil-A in Boston Because They Don't Support Gay Marriage

     

     Did I sleep in the day we did away with the first amendment?  Don't get me wrong I don't support Chik-Fil-A's stance on gay marriage.  I do however support their delicious fried chicken. I do not and will never understand anyone that doesn't support gay marriage.  Why does the government even recognize marriage?  Last time I checked marriage is a religious sacrament and state and church are separate entities.  Go ahead, marry another dude.  Hell, marry two dudes and a goddamn monkey for all I care. While those are my views on the issue, I recognize that other views on the issue exist.  I respect the fact that people have a right to and express their own views and that it does not make them any less of a person.  Why do you think there are mulitple flavors of ice cream? Different people like different stuff.  The people that don't want Chik-Fil-A in Boston just because they don't agree with them politically are just as backwards thinking as the anti-gay marriage people.  

P.S. Are people really that surprised to hear a food chain that is so conservative it's closed on Sundays is anti-samesex-marriage? 

Why The NCAA Should NOT Give Penn State the Death Penalty (or any penalty)

     Okay before you freak out on me and just have a knee jerk reaction to the headline hear me out.  I am not one of those crazy people that think Penn State is getting screwed, or think that the punishment handed down by the NCAA was undeserved.  What I am arguing is that it was not the NCAA's place to discipline Penn State.  The NCAA was created to serve as the governing body of fair play in college sports.  Penn State did not gain a competitive advantage by looking the other way while a pederast used their locker room like a Rugrats themed brothel.  I understand why the NCAA didn't want a pedofile enabler as the all-time winningest coach but instead of vacating wins how bout just not putting his name on the list at all? This whole vacating wins thing is the dumbest punishment ever.  They're basically saying, "Hey, remember all those wins you had back then? Well, this piece of paper says they never happened." Unless the NCAA gets a hold of that device they're always using in Men In Black to wipe out people's memories vacating wins is about as effective as teaching abstinence in sex ed.
     So if the punishment doesn't come from the NCAA who should it come from? For starters it could be the Big 10.  Would it be that difficult for them to ban the football team for a season and not give them their share of the BCS money?  How about, as crazy as this may sound, the punishment comes from within the university? Penn State should be beyond embarrassed by this.  There is no doubt that this incident has lessened the value of a Penn State degree.  I feel like most outsiders looking in with some amount of common sense would think, "This has gotten out of control. We need to just step back and take a year or off from football.  We can reaccess the situation at the end of the year, but right now the football program has the university in a sleeper hold. " Penn State and many other universities around this fine country have let the dollars and cents of collegiate athletics hurt their reputations.  School administrations have lost touch with reality and forgotten that the job of college in society is not to turn a profit but to educate.    

I Remember My First Beer

CBS Tampa:The Broward County Sheriff’s Office told WPTV that a 17-year-old boy was found early Sunday morning lying in the street in Oakland Park. The station reports that the naked teen was “rolling on the ground” and yelling “bad drugs” and “take me.” Authorities believe he was hit by a car and was taken to North Broward Medical Center. The unidentified teenager sustained a collapsed lung, fractured left ankle and broken left collarbone, according to WPTV.


     Is there anything worse than a kid that can't handle his shit? Now it sounds like this kid was into way more hardcore stuff than I am but that doesn't excuse the behavior.  The unfortunate part of this story isn't that the dude got seriously hurt, its that he is too fucked up to remember how it happened.  The best part about getting a little loose and conversational is looking back on all the crazy antics of the night sometime in the future.  While it might be fun for your friends to shit on you and tell you what you did its much easier to look good when your're the one telling the story. Its pretty hard to double the number of drinks you had and exaggerate how tall the fence you jumped over was when your buddy is telling the story.   

Houston Gives Lin 3 Years $25 million contract

     Let me preface this by saying that I strongly dislike the Knicks.  To be fair it really has nothing to do with the organization itself.  I have no problem with an organization constantly making bad move after bad move.  What I can't stand is their obnoxious fans.  Knicks fans are the fans that have an excuse for everything.  They will never accept that they suck and that they will always suck.  Someone needs to tell Spike Lee that despite the fact that he sits the same distance from the basket as the players and has spent more time on the floor of MSG than Patrick Ewing he is not on the team.

     Anyway, onto Lin.  The best move the Knicks made this off season was not signing Jason Kidd but not matching Houstons offer for Lin.  I realize that he arguably the most marketable player in the NBA but from strictly a basketball standpoint he is not worth anywhere near three years 25 million.  Lin doesn't have the talent to back up that kind of contract.  He was 40th among PGs in assist/turnover ratio this season.  While it is true that this is lower than Russel Westbrook Lin cannot hold a candle to Westbrook's scoring ability.  On top of this his defense is nonexistent. While that is part of what happens when you play for Mike D'Antoni it didn't improve after he left.  Bottom line is that the Rockets payed for a name not a player.  They might sell more jerseys and tickets but they aren't any better on the court.  

Can Someone Tell Me What This Guy Did Wrong?

Smoking Gun: Most recently, Leaphart was arrested in February after approaching a female shopper at a Walmart in South Carolina and asking if he could kiss and smell her feet. Leaphart is pictured in the mug shot at right. After asking the teen if her toenails were painted, Leaphart said, ‘I know this sounds crazy, but have you ever heard of America’s Funniest Home Videos?’ When the unemployed woman said she had heard of the show, the man relied that he would pay for her purchases (up to $100) if she agreed to cooperate with a “prank.” The teen then reluctantly agreed to Leaphart’s request to take a picture of her foot. “I know this is crazy,” Leaphart then said, “but can I kiss your foot?” Cops reported that the victim agreed “under the impression it was a TV prank.”


     Ok so lying about the AFV thing probably wasn't the best idea but it's not like the dude bit her toe off or anything.  He didn't even get a chance to follow through on his end of the deal.  If he sucked her toe and just ran off then throw him away.  You can't just go away making false promises sucking peoples toes and shit and not following through.  
     The real reason I can't be mad at this guy is because I have been to Walmart in South Carolina.  There's not enough money in the world to get me to suck on anyones toes.  I suppose since it was in Columbia there's a chance it was a dumb slut from USC, but I'm not trying to get an STD and to be honest feet are probably the least sexy part of the human anatomy.