Bob Costas Being Bob Costas

     Just incase you missed it, above is the video of Bob Costas's halftime rant on how guns are evil.  Bob Costas is a giant condescending douche.  While you could argue it took balls to take a stance on such a big stage the medium was completely inappropriate.  People aren't tuning into Sunday Night Football to hear your hot takes Bob they're watching to see grown men scramble each other's brains.  He should be saving shit like this for his show on NBC Sports.  Then again, I guess he did something right because instead of talking about the Sunday Night Football game a lot of people are talking about him which is exactly what he wanted.    

     I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Jevon Belcher's heinous acts had much more to do with his scrambled brain than it did that he owned a gun. When Chris Benoit went berserk and smothered his wife and kids and hung himself where was the outcry for pillow control? It couldn't have been that Benoit's brains were scrambled it has to be America's terrible pillow culture.  Blaming the gun is taking the easy way out.  Why try to analyze a person's mental state when you can just blame it on the inanimate object?  The NFL is taking all these precautions to limit head injuries but (at least from what I'm aware of) do little to protect/improve players mental-health.  There's a really good article on Deadspin in which a friend of Jevon outlines all the things that were off with Belcher mental-health wise.  Hindsight might be 20/20 but there's no denying that to some extent his health was being overlooked.    

Sox Sign Napoli To A 3 Year $39 Million Deal

    I realize it's the middle of football season but there's really not much for me to say about the Patriots until postseason starts.  Until the everyone else in the AFC East gets their shit together the regular season is a formality for the Pats, so I figured I'd give you my take on newest addition to the Red Sox.
     First off, I love this signing.  Is Napoli worth thirteen million? No but this is a shitty free-agent market so teams are going to have to overpay for players or not sign them at all.  Napoli fills a huge hole in the Red Sox line up.  Batting wise he's something the Sox have neglected in the past few years, a right handed power hitter.  Ever since Manny left the Sox have been lacking in right handed hitters, and despite playing in Fenway Park have almost exclusively pursued left handed hitting free agents.  No one is going to mistake Napoli for Manny Ramirez at the plate but he is a good addition nonetheless.
     In addition to being a good right handed bat he fills a gaping hole at first base for the Sox.  He is also a viable option to DH if/when Ortiz goes down and will probably see some action behind the plate at some point in the season.  Let's not forget that two years ago, had the Rangers won the World Series, he would have been World Series MVP.  He's a guy that's proven he can play when the spotlight is on and that's why I believe he will do well in Boston.  Simply put, the Red Sox are a much better team now then they were this time yesterday.  With just a three year contract he's not going to be a huge burden if his stats fall in a couple years and while 13 million a year might be excessive it's not my money and it's what team's should expect to pay in this mediocre free agent market.

David Stern Just Doing His Thing

ESPN: The NBA's most powerful man and its most respected and iron-willed coach plunged into an unexpected battle of wills Thursday over a basic tenet: A coach can decide what is best for his team.

San Antonio's Gregg Popovich sent stars Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili, plus key role player Danny Green, on a commercial flight home instead of playing them in a nationally televised game against the Miami Heat so they could rest ahead of the Spurs' Saturday home game against the league-leading Memphis Grizzles.

NBA commissioner David Stern issued a statement before the game started apologizing to fans and saying, "This was an unacceptable decision by the San Antonio Spurs and substantial sanctions will be forthcoming."

     David Stern sucks.  There's no other way to put it.  He's just a shitty person.  I'm not saying he's stupid or immoral, just clueless.  Commissioner Stern's head is so far up Lebron's ass he doesn't know which way is up.  Would this be an issue if Popovich sat his players for the Magic game?  Both games are equally meaningless November basketball games between two nonconference teams, but I guarantee Stern doesn't do anything if this happened against the Magic. Greg Popovich's job isn't to win meaningless basketball games in November, it's to win basketball games in May and June when it really counts.  Now Stern might have had a semi-decent argument had this game been a blowout.  Patrons (I refuse to call anyone who roots for the Heat "fans" they're all frauds) at the game paid top dollar to watch professional basketball and had the Spurs sent out a team that struggled to put up 70 points they would have been justified in griping a little. This was not the case however as the Spurs were able to keep pace with the Heat and it was a one possession game with less than 20 seconds left.  Regardless of  the competitiveness of the game, it is still Popovich's right to do as he pleases with his players, especially in a MEANINGLESS November basketball game.   

I'm Sure This Is Helping Marcus Lattimore Recover Quickly

            Every week that passes I am more and more convinced that the government created college football to ensure that the south would never again have the ability to revolt.  This woman is a great example.  As if the ridiculous get up isn’t enough, she goes and makes a video in which she sings a song dedicated to a player that doesn’t even play on “her” team.  The scariest part about the south is by far how passionate they are about watching 18-22 year olds play football.   

NBC Wins Rights To Broadcast EPL In America

NBC has won the American Broadcasting rights to English Primer Legaue games starting in 2013.  I absolutely love this move from NBC.  Selfishly I am slightly concerned that the number of games I will be able to watch will go down with the loss of ESPN 3 streaming, but this is a great move for NBC to eventually compete with the four letter network. 

NBC currently shares rights to air MLS games.  The MLS is comparable to NBC in that it is much less established than other foreign soccer leagues.  The MLS will only be popular when they can make enough revenue to pay the elite players as much as they can in other leagues.  The MLS is lightyears away from a matchup that is comparable with Chelsea v Man U.  While there are sure to viewers who are just lovers of the game and willing to watch anything most people will want to watch the best product out there.  There is a very good chance that in the next ten years American popularity of leagues such as the EPL grow at a larger rate than the other major sports simply because there is so much more room to grow. 

Lets face it, ESPN has loyal viewers in fans of the NBA, MLB, NFL and College Football.  No matter how much money NBC pays to get a piece of those pies the majority of viewers will go to ESPN for coverage regardless because ESPN is a more established brand.  However, the NHL and EPL both have growing popularity.  These growing fan bases really don’t have a place to go for coverage and starting next year their best option will be NBC.  If NBC can establish a good base of viewers from hockey and soccer fans they can eventually expand to the other major sports and take a serious swing at ESPN.  At the very least it will keep ESPN honest and make the cut the “when was the last time Lebron took a shit” talk and produce more quality shows like the 30 for 30 documentaries. 

David Stern Is Retiring!!!!!

I finally understand how Dorothy felt after she killed the witch in the Wizard of Oz.  David Stern is retiring, hallelujah! We’re finally free from that smug arrogant ass hole! Wait, what’d you say? He’s not retiring till February 2014? Jesus Christ.  So for the next year and a half we have to witness the David Stern farewell tour?  It’s not enough that ESPN spends too much time showering the insufferable superstars of the NBA with praise now we need to watch them give David Stern credit for everything good that has happened in the last 30 years.  “David Stern invented the Internet, Google, and Facebook!”  

Stern inherited the NBA with better circumstances than Clinton inherited the presidency.  Sure Bill was in the White House during the dotcom boom but look at everything that happened in the NBA the first four months of his tenure.  The Lakers and the Celtics, Magic vs Bird, squared off in arguably the greatest NBA finals of all time.  It was a thrilling seven game series where the two biggest names in the league faced off. But wait there’s more! The top five picks of the ’84 draft included Jordan Barkley and Olajuwon. That’s the most dominant player in NBA history, one of the best power forwards in NBA history, and arguably the best center in NBA history all within the first couple months of his tenure.   

On top of walking into the best situation possible his whole tenure is clouded with conspiracy theories.  First you have him fixing the 1985 draft so the best player (Patrick Ewing) goes to the biggest market in the lottery (New York).  Then you have the whole referee conundrum that I don’t really want to go into huge detail with because I’ll go on forever but let me just say the fact that the man TimDonaghy called as much as his bookie (Scott Foster) is still officiating games is despicable. Then this last year there is controversy that he rigged the draft so that the team the NBA currently owns gets the number one pick in the draft.  While this claim is based solely on speculation but the way he handled that Jim Rome interview was atrocious (once again I’m goning to end this here because I could write a whole blog on this alone).  If he is that upset by speculation like this why not just show the ping-pong balls getting dropped on live TV like mega millions?

David Stern is an arrogant prick and while he didn’t screw up bad enough to do any damage to the league he certainly did not turn water into wine.  

Mitt Romney Lied To Help Aid Friend In Divorce Settlement

TMZ: Mitt Romney LIED under oath when he testified in the divorce of his good friend and screwed the friend's wife out of a lot of money in the process ... so claims the ex-wife of Staples' founder Tom Stemberg.
     Multiple sources connected with the divorce tell TMZ ... during Tom's uber nasty divorce case with ex-wife Maureen, Mitt Romney gave a deposition and testified during the trial that Staples was worth virtually nothing. Romney testified that the company was worth very little and Tom was a dreamer and "the dream continues."
     Romney characterized the Staples stock as "overvalued," adding, "I didn't place a great deal of credibility in the forecast of the company's future." 
     Partly as a result of Romney's testimony, Maureen got relatively little in the divorce, but we're told just weeks after the divorce ended, Romney and Tom went to Goldman Sachs and cashed in THEIR stock for a fortune.  Short story -- Romney allegedly lied to help his friend and screw the friend's wife over.

     Let me start this off by saying my thoughts on this story will literally be as non-partisan as humanly possible.  In the interest of full disclosure, I dislike both major candidates running for president.  The thought that someone would base their vote for the leader of the free world on a silly story like this is sickening.  

     Lets ignore that the subject of this story is running for president.  Instead lets pretend for a second that the man who allegedly lied under oath about the value of a company was not Mitt Romney and was just some other suit wearing douche bag.  This guy gets on the stand and gives his opinion on the company.  Its pretty tough to prove whether he's lying or not as it is his OPINION on the future of the company.  Even if he was lying, why does this woman deserve any of Staples' shares?  Was she the one that started the business? Was she the person that put money into the venture capitalist group? Was she even the person that brought the investment opportunity to the group and/or encourage investment in Staples?  

     My left testicle has just as much to do with the success of Staples as this woman does, but because of social norms in this country she is entitled to half of her husbands wealth?  The only thing she did that my testicle didn't was make her husband grilled-cheese sandwiches ever day when he got home from work. The suit wearing douche bag didn't screw anybody over, he simply helped a friend get what was rightfully his, and for that he should be commended.        

And The Mother of The Year Nomination For The Month of October Goes To...

Santa Cruz: A 29-year-old Clearlake woman arrested last weekend gave birth to a baby in the lobby of the Santa Cruz County Jail early Monday morning.

     The woman had been arrested on suspicion of being drunk in public Sunday afternoon. Jail staff initially refused to book her because she was pregnant and intoxicated, sheriff's Sgt. Steve Carney said. She was evaluated at Dominican Hospital and then brought back to the jail Sunday evening for booking.

     The Sheriff's Office is not identifying the woman because of medical privacy laws.

Early Monday morning, she was released when jail employees determined she was sober and OK to leave. Her brother was waiting in the parking lot and as the woman was being escorted out of the jail lobby, she went into labor. Medical staff at the jail assisted the woman, who delivered a baby girl estimated to be two or three months premature.

     I realize I'm starting about ten months too late but I've decided that I would like to dedicate at least one blog a month to the wonderful parents all around America. Then I figure at the end of the year I can assemble a dream team of sorts.  A parenting template if you will where people from around the world can look and follow the fine example these individuals have set.  

     So this fine young woman was arrest for being drunk in public and to make matters worse it was on Sabbath.  How could anyone consume the devil's nectar on the day of the lord? Obviously I'm joking, but she probably figured if she just got buzzed the baby would be fine. Seems logical to me.

    You don't hear about babys being born in jail too often.  The only one I can think of is Bane; if the Dark Knight Rises was as accurate as Christopher Nolan said it was the baby will grow up to be the next Ted Kaczynski.  I'd love to get inside the head of this chick.  I need to know if she is stupid or just wanted a last minute abortion and tried downing a bottle of wine before she ruined a perfectly good wire coat-hanger. The sheer volume of people's stupidity will never cease to amaze me.  

The Pussification of America Continues: UNC Stops Using "Freshman" Because It Isn't Gender Inclusive

UNC: The University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill has removed the word “freshman” from official university documents, citing as their reason an attempt to adopt more “gender inclusive language.”

     We are “committed to providing an inclusive and welcoming environment for all members of our community,” reads a statement administrators sent to Campus Reform on Monday.

     “Consistent with that commitment, gender inclusive terms (chair; first year student; upper-level student, etc.) should be used on University Documents, websites and policies,” it continues.

     This is sickening.  I guess this is what happens when you spend your entire life in the fantasy world of academia.  While not all college faculty is hysterical, like everything else in life, the crazy ones define the group.  People never cease to amaze me.  Has anyone ever been offended by the word freshMAN? Seriously what should we say freshbeing, freshmeat? We are all just human beings made of meat after all.  If you are seriously offended by the word freshman you should dive head first into the shallow end of a pool.  You wanna be offended? Lets change it to freshcunt or just cunt for short.  "Hey look at that 'cunt he has no clue where he's going" "Looks like that 'cunt never drank in 'high school." "I can't believe t hat 'cunt just asked his professor if he could go to the bathroom." Talk about first world problems.  You know you live in a prosperous place when people are complaining about a term that has been used for over a hundred years, which no one has ever had a problem with.  Ya lets not worry about the fact that our country is broke and spending a trillion dollars more than they take in every year and focus on the real issues like gender insensitive terms. 

Sox Hire John Farrell

     Over the weekend the Sox traded Mike Avilles, a broken fungo, and a bag of baseballs to the Toronto Blue Jays in return for manager John Farrell.  Historically, trading for a manager is disastrous.  This year the Marlins went 69-93 after trading for Ozzie Guillen last off season, and when the Devil Rays traded for Lou Pinella in 2003 they went 63-99.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the Red Sox will have beter results this year than they had their first years.
     Not only are the Sox not located in the hell hole that is the state of Florida, but this situation is completely different from the other two.  John Farrell was on the Sox a few years ago and is familiar with the majority of players on the team.  He also got out before the shit hit the fan in 2011.  Most importantly, the last two years John Farrell was pitching coach for the Sox their startes held opponents to the lowest average in the American Leauge.  In theory his presence should have a positive impact on pitching, an area in which the Sox need all the help they can get.
     The Sox will not win the World Series in 2013 but they will be much more competitive.  They have some holes in the line up that they need to fill but it would be shocking to see them make any major acquisitions this off season.  That being said, the American League East is no loger powerhouse it once was. Every team in the division is equally capable of winning the division and falling flat on their faces.  A realistic outlook for next season would entail winning 85 games or so and being in contention for the playoffs late into September.  While the team will enter next season with a new cast of lesser known names it will be exciting to watch the team's identity transform back towards the winning culture of 2004-2007.

Woman Sues Casey Anthony For 3 BILLION Dollars!

Huffington Post:  A Pennsylvania woman filed a$3 billion lawsuit against Casey Anthony, claiming that Anthony threatened to kill her, RadarOnline.com reports.In the lawsuit, Naomi Riches alleged that Anthony "is an Illuminati actress" who made threats to kill her and who caused her "severe psychological damage." She also claimed that Anthony was "in cahoots" with both TV personality Nancy Grace and the U.S. government. The lawsuit, acquired by RadarOnline.com and dubbed the "craziest lawsuit ever" by gossip columnist Perez Hilton, reads:

"Casey Anthony and Nancy Grace are working in cahoots with one another to fill the media with propaganda so that American Citizens believe there is Justice in this country…Casey Anthony called my house August 2011 and told me that my life was being exploited and that I was a hated nation wife, she told me she would come to my house in Fort Collins, Colorado and kill me just as they did Peggy Hettrick in 1987. She let me know that my left eye would be stabbed out as a part of the Illuminati symbolism.She told me that the government was going to find a way to tap into my water pipes and poison my water supply. I was terrified to shower and drink water for months. I had to spend $600.00 on bottled water. "

     This whole time I just thought that crazy bitch Casey Anthony just killed her kid and got away with it.  Now it all makes sense.  She didn't just murder her baby, she sacrificed it to Lucifer. Why didn't if figure this out sooner?
     While most conspiracy theories are crazy this one has some extra "what the fuck" sprinkled on top.  A good conspiracy theory will say that the government is trying to brainwash people or lie to them; this one just says Casey Anthony filled the media with propaganda.  Propaganda for what agenda exactly, the kill your kid agenda?  I don't get it. Was she on the stand during her trial lobbying to get healthcare reform passed while simultaneously trashing jews? Also, why does the illumiati need to kill her and stab her eye out in addition to poisoning her water? That doesn't seem very cost effective to me, but then again I guess the illuminati have plenty of money seeing that they run the music industry. I just pray that this woman doesn't have any kids so she can't pass on this crazy to another generation of welfare recipients.

P.S. If you Google Peggy Hettrick you'll see that this woman was murdered and mutilated to the point  the cornier said it had to be done with surgical tools and a high amount of skill.  The state of Colorado went on to convict a fifteen year old of the crime only to exonerate him 10 years later. Only in America...  

Everyone Needs To Calm Down About The Patriots

     Anyone who says the Patriots are in trouble are spoiled and delusional.  Are they the best team in the AFC at this point? No, but look at the last two Super Bowl champions.  The Giants went 9-7 (including a stretch in the middle of the season where they lost 5 of 6) last year and the Packer went 10-6 the year before that. Hell, the Pats only had a bye week in the playoffs for one of their Super Bowl wins.  It doesn't matter how you make the playoffs, just how you play once you get there.  While a lot of people want to focus on the fact that the Pats' defense blew another ten point lead in the 4th quarter I'd like to point out the positives.  

     First off the offense got the ball with under two minutes down three and were able to drive down the field and score.  You don't have to be a brain surgeon to realize that up to this point the Patriots have struggled in close games.  This win was a huge step in the right direction for them.  The ability to play from behind is without a doubt something they will need to be successful in the playoffs.  That being said, it is clear they need to work on the 4 minute drill.  For some reason when they are up in the 4th quarter and need a couple first downs to seal the win they can't do it.  

     The other thing that was promising about the Patriots game was the defense. Now that you're done rolling your eyes and laughing at me for being a homer hear me out.  Yes, the secondary still looked lost at times; giving up five plays for a gain of 20 yards or more.  That being said, when they needed to make plays they did.  After the McCourty fumble the Jets got the ball with amazing field position and the Patriots' defense held them to just a field goal.  Then in overtime, they were able to force a turnover and end the game. Was it the cleanest victory? No.  Did it help that Mark Sanchez refuses to throw the ball away? Yes.  Regardless of what you think about Mark Sanchez those plays don't happen if the D-line didn't step it up big time.  You could even argue that the safety was a product of the D-line.  If Vince Wilfork doesn't absolutely destroy the Jet's offensive line than Sanchez doesn't shit himself and fuck up the handoff to Greene.  

     Now don't misconstrue what I'm saying.  I'm not telling you to go out an buy your ticket to New Orleans because the Pats are locks to win it all.  All I'm saying is they aren't that far away from being championship contenders.  They are easily the best team in a mediocre division and despite a sup-par secondary they would still be favorites when matched up against any team in the AFC with the exception of the Texans. Meanwhile the young defense will continue to improve in the weeks to come while the pretenders of the league crash and burn.   

Maine Republican Party Attacking Democratic Opponent Over Her "Disturbing Alter-Ego"

Maine Republican Party:  Colleen Lachowicz, the Democratic candidate for State Senate District 25 (Waterville), has been living a time-consuming double life as a member of the World of Warcraft community.  World of Warcraft is an online gaming network where people play a fantasy role-playing game in an imaginary world called "Azeroth."   

      Today, Colleen is playing at level 85--the highest level one can attain.  Studies have found that the average World of Warcraft gamer is 28 and spends 22.7 hours per week playing.   

     Her character in the game is called "Santiaga," an Orc Assassin Rogue, and Lachowicz lives vicariously through her, making comments about World of Warcraft and other topics on the liberal blog, The Daily Kos.  Here is a sampling of Lachowicz's comments:  

• "So I'm a level 68 orc rogue girl. That means I stab things . . . a lot.  Who would have thought that a peace-lovin', social worker anddemocrat would enjoy that?!"
• "Yes, I am seriously slacking off at work today.  And I called my congresswoman's office today. And told them I would probably be calling everyday."

     Looks like the race for STATE Senate is heating up in Maine.  That's right state senate.  Talk about an illusion of power.  Gotta love politics.  Just when I thought it couldn't get any more ridiculous than the Scott Brown/ Lizzy Warren asbestos bull shit Maine shows up and just out does everybody.  Neither candidate has any substance to run on so instead of talking about their personal politics they just attack each other.  

     Colleen will clearly be a liability if elected.  How could you ever elect someone with an evil alter-ego? She's clearly using WoW to acquire the skills needed to be a serial killer.  I always thought it was the left-wing nuts that were saying violence in video games is ruining our society, but I guess I was wrong. What does the second quote even have to do with WoW or an alter-ego?  Talk about grasping at straws.  If you're gonna trash your opponent your're better off lying about her diddling kids than this weakness.  I'm gonna guess 99.9% of voters don't even care about the race for state senate let alone that the candidate wastes her time with WoW.    

Tom Brady Is A Man of The People

Deadspin: After spending much of July 13 again explaining the trading loss to the media and to research analysts—including making the stunning admission that the traders in London may have intentionally mismarked the trades to make them look less egregious, a potential illegality that the Justice Department is still investigating—the exhausted [JP Morgan CEO Jamie] Dimon got an unexpected call from Tom Brady, the star quarterback of the New England Patriots. (Jimmy Lee, a legendary sports fan, had arranged for it.) Brady reminded Dimon that even Super Bowl champs have bad days and told him "to hang in there." "I was surprised he even knew who I was, to tell you the truth," Dimon says. 

     When you hear about an athlete or celebrity making a phone call to cheer someone up you always You hear about athletes and celebrities alike making phone calls and visiting terminally ill patients all the time, but up until now I've never heard of one calling a CEO of a fortune 500 company after he had a shitty day.  Tom Brady is a human prozac; he'll do anything he can to make people happy. I've personally never had to tell anyone "Hey, remember how I said we lost 1 billion dollars. Well, in reality it was more like 6 billion dollars,"but I'd imagine it'd be a pretty shitty time.  I don't remember hearing anything about Brett Farve calling up Ken Lay after that whole Enron thing went down.  Why's that you ask? Because Brett Farve doesn't give two shits about anyone except for Brett Farve and TFB is a philanthropist .

Does Anyone Really Think Michael Phelps Is A Better Athelete Than Usain Bolt?

     I realize that Phelps is the winningest athlete in the history of the olympics.  However what is neglected is the fact that Phelps participates in an event that gives out more medals than any other in the olympics.  As of writing this, Bolt has failed to get Gold just one time in the olympics and he was 17 years old.  While Phelps has won 18 Gold medals he has also come up short 6 times.  

     If you want to throw out wins and losses because of the huge discrepancy opportunities fine.  Even lifetime swimmers have to admit that running fast is way more impressive than swimming fast.  Ask 100 people if they would rather be able to swim at 30 mph or run at 30mph and 100 out of 100 would say run.  Sure the Earth over 70% water but no one fucking lives in water.  When was the last time you heard of two people settling a bet by going to the Y and racing in the pool? Okay now when was the last time you heard two people running a foot race to settling a pissing contest? 

     Still not sold? Look at some of the greatest iconic athletes of all time (Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Diego Maradona, etc.) what do they all have in common?  They all have larger-than-life personalities.  It makes listening to them talk as entertaining as watching them play.  Usain Bolt is the kind of guy that would be perfectly happy talking to a brick wall, just loves the sound of his own voice.  At the same time he is very respectful and never really goes over the line.  Michael Phelps is an extraordinary athlete  but doesn't have the personality to make him elite.  I classify him with athletes like Joe Montana.  Arguably the best to ever play their sport but once they retire they disappear, never to be heard from again.  

Missile Defense Team Watching Porn While On The Clock

Bloomberg: The Pentagon’s Missile Defense Agency warned its employees and contractors last week to stop using their government computers to surf the Internet for pornographic sites, according to the agency’s executive director. In a one-page memo, Executive Director John James Jr. wrote that in recent months government employees and contractors were detected “engaging in inappropriate use of the MDA network.”


     If somehow one out of the handful of countries that is capable of launching a ballistic missile at a major US city does so and it successfully hits its target, know that millions of peopled died because some geek was watching a chick take a dump on some dudes chest.  Those government computers have to have the fastest internet connection possible. It would surprise me if they didn't download speeds of several gigabytes per second.  With connections like that you probably run out of normal porn to watch in like a week.  I'm not even mad at these guys.  Think about it.  When was the last time a nation launched a missile  at the United States? Exactly.  Now don't get me wrong some sort of missile defense system should exist, but it's pretty easy to see that America is the paranoid dude with the tinfoil hat when you compare our military spending to the rest of the worlds.  As long as the guys are taking shifts masturbating  and at least one dude is watching the monitor at all time I'm cool with it.  It'd be a sin to have those kinds of internet connections and not watch a little porn.  

Revolutionary Idea For Women's Basketball

 
     Okay, so today I was on the elliptical at the gym watching the olympics trying to figure out how to make women's basketball more competitive with men's basketball.  After I got went through all the typical misogynistic things like playing naked, making every arena look like a giant kitchen, etc. I was struck with a brilliant idea.  A "don't ask don't tell" policy should be put into effect when it comes to performance enhancing drugs/trannys.
     I don't think I'm alone in saying that I have no interest in watching a 67-61 layup-fest also known as women's basketball.  Imagine if the broke NBA starts of yesteryear like Antoine Walker and Vin Baker could use what little cash they have left on a nice weave and some estrogen.  Who wouldn't pay to see Walker Shimmy down the court in a sports bra?  On top of that you got women roided out of their mind and it's no longer the number one play on the four letter network when a 6' 8" woman musters up the strength for a 5 inch vertical leap necessary for a dunk. 

Stay Classy San Francisco

SF library installs computer privacy screens for more discreet porn-watching:  In response to complaints about San Francisco Public Library visitors openly viewing explicit content, including pornography, the network has installed plastic screens to block monitors from people nearby. 




     I shit you not, that is a real article from a real newspaper.  Seriously this is what our country has come to? I'm going to file this story in the pussification of America folder.  Society is so messed up that we can't even tell people to not masturbate in public?  Don't get me wrong I like to consider myself a quasi-libertarian but you gotta draw the line somewhere.  Why doesn't San Francisco just put a giant neon sign that says: "Public Masturbation Encouraged!" outside of every library.  I mean you have unlimited, free access to porn and little kids, install a roofie dispenser at the door and it's a one stop shop for sexual deviants.  Now I can hear a couple of you playing devil's advocate thinking, "Well what if it's for research?"; "Censorship is bad."; and "Just because you're looking at porn doesn't mean you have to masturbate."  You know what kind of people look at porn and don't masturbate? People like Ted Bundy and Timothy McVeigh.  Don't worry though I think I found a solution that not only helps to keep away serial rapists and killers but put a dent in that giant debt the great state of California is in.  People who want to look at porn in the library can pay 5 bucks for 10 color print outs of any naughty pics of their choice, a tube of lube and 5 minutes in the john.  After that 5 minutes is up there is an overage fee of two dollars a minute.  Based on the news article library porn is in such high demand California will be back in the black in no time.


P.S. Nancy Pelosi- I'm sure you're reading this and wondering why you never thought of this.  No need to thank me just erect a statue in my honor when your state is saved.        

Mumbles Doesn't Want Chik-Fil-A in Boston Because They Don't Support Gay Marriage

     

     Did I sleep in the day we did away with the first amendment?  Don't get me wrong I don't support Chik-Fil-A's stance on gay marriage.  I do however support their delicious fried chicken. I do not and will never understand anyone that doesn't support gay marriage.  Why does the government even recognize marriage?  Last time I checked marriage is a religious sacrament and state and church are separate entities.  Go ahead, marry another dude.  Hell, marry two dudes and a goddamn monkey for all I care. While those are my views on the issue, I recognize that other views on the issue exist.  I respect the fact that people have a right to and express their own views and that it does not make them any less of a person.  Why do you think there are mulitple flavors of ice cream? Different people like different stuff.  The people that don't want Chik-Fil-A in Boston just because they don't agree with them politically are just as backwards thinking as the anti-gay marriage people.  

P.S. Are people really that surprised to hear a food chain that is so conservative it's closed on Sundays is anti-samesex-marriage? 

Why The NCAA Should NOT Give Penn State the Death Penalty (or any penalty)

     Okay before you freak out on me and just have a knee jerk reaction to the headline hear me out.  I am not one of those crazy people that think Penn State is getting screwed, or think that the punishment handed down by the NCAA was undeserved.  What I am arguing is that it was not the NCAA's place to discipline Penn State.  The NCAA was created to serve as the governing body of fair play in college sports.  Penn State did not gain a competitive advantage by looking the other way while a pederast used their locker room like a Rugrats themed brothel.  I understand why the NCAA didn't want a pedofile enabler as the all-time winningest coach but instead of vacating wins how bout just not putting his name on the list at all? This whole vacating wins thing is the dumbest punishment ever.  They're basically saying, "Hey, remember all those wins you had back then? Well, this piece of paper says they never happened." Unless the NCAA gets a hold of that device they're always using in Men In Black to wipe out people's memories vacating wins is about as effective as teaching abstinence in sex ed.
     So if the punishment doesn't come from the NCAA who should it come from? For starters it could be the Big 10.  Would it be that difficult for them to ban the football team for a season and not give them their share of the BCS money?  How about, as crazy as this may sound, the punishment comes from within the university? Penn State should be beyond embarrassed by this.  There is no doubt that this incident has lessened the value of a Penn State degree.  I feel like most outsiders looking in with some amount of common sense would think, "This has gotten out of control. We need to just step back and take a year or off from football.  We can reaccess the situation at the end of the year, but right now the football program has the university in a sleeper hold. " Penn State and many other universities around this fine country have let the dollars and cents of collegiate athletics hurt their reputations.  School administrations have lost touch with reality and forgotten that the job of college in society is not to turn a profit but to educate.    

I Remember My First Beer

CBS Tampa:The Broward County Sheriff’s Office told WPTV that a 17-year-old boy was found early Sunday morning lying in the street in Oakland Park. The station reports that the naked teen was “rolling on the ground” and yelling “bad drugs” and “take me.” Authorities believe he was hit by a car and was taken to North Broward Medical Center. The unidentified teenager sustained a collapsed lung, fractured left ankle and broken left collarbone, according to WPTV.


     Is there anything worse than a kid that can't handle his shit? Now it sounds like this kid was into way more hardcore stuff than I am but that doesn't excuse the behavior.  The unfortunate part of this story isn't that the dude got seriously hurt, its that he is too fucked up to remember how it happened.  The best part about getting a little loose and conversational is looking back on all the crazy antics of the night sometime in the future.  While it might be fun for your friends to shit on you and tell you what you did its much easier to look good when your're the one telling the story. Its pretty hard to double the number of drinks you had and exaggerate how tall the fence you jumped over was when your buddy is telling the story.   

Houston Gives Lin 3 Years $25 million contract

     Let me preface this by saying that I strongly dislike the Knicks.  To be fair it really has nothing to do with the organization itself.  I have no problem with an organization constantly making bad move after bad move.  What I can't stand is their obnoxious fans.  Knicks fans are the fans that have an excuse for everything.  They will never accept that they suck and that they will always suck.  Someone needs to tell Spike Lee that despite the fact that he sits the same distance from the basket as the players and has spent more time on the floor of MSG than Patrick Ewing he is not on the team.

     Anyway, onto Lin.  The best move the Knicks made this off season was not signing Jason Kidd but not matching Houstons offer for Lin.  I realize that he arguably the most marketable player in the NBA but from strictly a basketball standpoint he is not worth anywhere near three years 25 million.  Lin doesn't have the talent to back up that kind of contract.  He was 40th among PGs in assist/turnover ratio this season.  While it is true that this is lower than Russel Westbrook Lin cannot hold a candle to Westbrook's scoring ability.  On top of this his defense is nonexistent. While that is part of what happens when you play for Mike D'Antoni it didn't improve after he left.  Bottom line is that the Rockets payed for a name not a player.  They might sell more jerseys and tickets but they aren't any better on the court.  

Can Someone Tell Me What This Guy Did Wrong?

Smoking Gun: Most recently, Leaphart was arrested in February after approaching a female shopper at a Walmart in South Carolina and asking if he could kiss and smell her feet. Leaphart is pictured in the mug shot at right. After asking the teen if her toenails were painted, Leaphart said, ‘I know this sounds crazy, but have you ever heard of America’s Funniest Home Videos?’ When the unemployed woman said she had heard of the show, the man relied that he would pay for her purchases (up to $100) if she agreed to cooperate with a “prank.” The teen then reluctantly agreed to Leaphart’s request to take a picture of her foot. “I know this is crazy,” Leaphart then said, “but can I kiss your foot?” Cops reported that the victim agreed “under the impression it was a TV prank.”


     Ok so lying about the AFV thing probably wasn't the best idea but it's not like the dude bit her toe off or anything.  He didn't even get a chance to follow through on his end of the deal.  If he sucked her toe and just ran off then throw him away.  You can't just go away making false promises sucking peoples toes and shit and not following through.  
     The real reason I can't be mad at this guy is because I have been to Walmart in South Carolina.  There's not enough money in the world to get me to suck on anyones toes.  I suppose since it was in Columbia there's a chance it was a dumb slut from USC, but I'm not trying to get an STD and to be honest feet are probably the least sexy part of the human anatomy. 

And Mother of the Year Goes To...

NBC: A Texas mom was found naked and eating ice cream at a drug store after having crashed her car into a bus and abandoned her three kids at the scene, according to police.

Stephanie Dillard had been driving with the children in Houston when she collided with a bus

After the accident Dillard walked to a nearby CVS and allegedly began taking off her clothes as she ate ice cream. Investigators said she fought their efforts to arrest her.

I know it's only June, but I am ready to ring the bell on Mom of the year. What the local news has completely failed to do is link the accident to the ice cream.  It's pretty clear that this woman wanted ice cream so she loaded the kids in the Dodge Caravan and headed to the store.  Then, because she's a woman, she somehow didn't see the large vehicle also on the road and gave it a little love tap.  Now her car doesn't work, however she still wants her ice cream so she decides to walk to the store.  On her way to the store, the hot Texas sun gets to her and she removes her clothes to cool off.  When the police arrived she resisted arrest because last time she thought she had done nothing wrong.  Last time she checked it was perfectly legal to eat ice cream to cool off on a hot summer day.  

P.S. You gotta love how the media uses the word allegedly before everything now.  The woman "allegedly took her clothes off".  Unless her clothes flew off in the accident I'm pretty damn sure she took them off. 

Everyone Needs to Calm the Fuck Down About the Sox

     In an attempt to distract everyone from the Bruins tragic bounce from the playoffs I'm going to attempt to talk all the people that loathe the Sox right now off the Tobin Bridge.  At this point in time are the Red Sox a championship caliber team? Absolutely not.  I'm not gonna bull shit here but for once I think I actually have a more positive view on something than everyone else.  

    The Sox have 70 million dollars worth of players on the disabled list, their bullpen is in shambles, and wether they're down 10 or up 10 they insist on playing Sweet Caroline in the middle of the 8th inning. Other than that, the Sox are in decent shape.  Yes, they're currently in last place in the AL East but it's only April.  They are only 3.5 games back which can easily be made up in the remaining 5 months of the regular season.  Look at the Angles. Their payroll is 10 million dollars higher than the Red Sox and they are 9 games back of first place as of me writing this.  The sox might be not be in the best place right meow but they can certainly recover.  I don't know about you but I would personally much rather have these struggles in April than in September.  If the Sox can get healthy and make a couple moves before the deadline that is four months away they'll be in contention for a playoff spot come September.  The Cardinals looked awful for a good majority of last season but they still managed to win the World Series.  It is way too early in the season to jump ship on the Sox.  

Red Sox Spring Training Preview

   
     I don't usually hold grudges, especially in something as meaningless in the longrun as sports but I still can't forgive the Sox for the way last season ended.  I have zero excitement/optimism for this season and am tired of what the whole organization and fan base has become.  I'm not gonna complain about the moves/lack thereof during the offseason because they still have one of the highest payrolls in baseball and honestly there wasn't a ton of talent to pick from.  Sure, they could have resigned Paplebon but I'll save that blog for the middle of July when the Sox are in mid-season-meltdown mode.  Other than that who did you want us to sign Prince Fielder?  I think last couple of offseason kind of spoiled a lot of fans.  You can't expect a team to go after the top free agents offseason after offseason.  We as fans have gotten hung up on the superstar pretty boys of the league and forgotten about the hardworking guys like Bill Mueller's of the world.
     There a lot of weird emotions I'm having about the Sox right now, and all gay jokes aside, I really don't know what to think.  In one way it is sad to see vetrans like Wake and Tek go but I tend to fall more on the side of they should have retired last year or even two years ago.  Don't get me wrong they had great careers and all but let's be honest them retiring affects the team about as much as Hedi Watney taking a job with the Lakers affects the team.  I'm not so much sad that they're hanging up the cleats as I am that they have been steadily declining since 2007.  Call me crazy but I was much more upset when Nomar and Pedro retired despite them not ending it with the Sox.  But back to this season, and more specifically what I am sad about. I'm sad that Tito is gone and as much as someone had to be held responsable for that collapse I'm not sure he deserved to go like that.  I would have much rather seen them clean house on the field but I guess it's easier to get rid of manager with an expiring contract than under-preforming, overpaid players.  The loss of Tito didn't really hit me until this week when all the coverage of spring training started and you started seeing Bobby Valentine all over the place.  CONSPIRACY THEORY ALERT: I think they signed Bobby Valentine because of his attitude towards the media.  I tuned into NESN earlier today and saw him sitting next to TC and Gammons and it was like he never left ESPN.  Now I'm not gonna jump the gun and make an ass out of myself before they even step onto the field but it just doesn't feel right to me.  Who knows, maybe once everything gets under way he'll buckle down.  It just seems to me like he's still in media mode and not quite in manager mode just yet.
     Before I end this blog I just want to say that I pray to God the Boston media doesn't pull some story out of it's ass to create controversy that is nonexistent (see Tim Thomas' political views).  I don't want to hear it in June when some no name is the fifth starter and the Sox are five games out of first that the reason they didn't sign anyone this offseason was because John Henry spent all his money on Liverpool. If anyone thinks that the roster of Liverpool and Red Sox have any kind of correlation you are delusional.  The fact is regardless of whether John Henry owned Liverpool or he owned Apple the Red Sox would not have spent any more/less money than they did this off season.  The reason the Red Sox have been frugal as of late is because: a.) they're big money deals haven't exactly been working out that great and b.) they don't like being over the luxury tax threshold. If the Red Sox go over the $178 millon  salary cap they would need to pay an additional .40 for every dollar they are over the cap. This means that signing a player to a $5 millon contract would actually cost the team $7 millon dollars.  If you're running a business it doesn't make sense to just piss away that money unless you really have to.  My theory is that they are willing to cross that threshold but only if at midseason it is determined that they are one piece away from being a championship team.  Sure, they could have signed Roy Oswalt or Edwin Jackson this offseason but guess what their rotation is Beckett, Lester, Buchholz, Bard, and Aceves and pre-season when you compare that to all the over teams in baseball they are without a doubt in the upper class of pitching rotations.  I think I'm going to stop writing now because I'm pretty sure no one has read this much but if you have congratulations.

Teacher In Hot Water After Febreezing Smelly Kid

CBC: An elementary school teacher in Newfoundland, Canada has reportedly been put on paid leave as district officials investigate a claim she sprayed a student with an odor eliminator to mask his fishy-smelling lunch. Patti Rideout told CBC News she was “very hurt and very angry” after learning the teacher of her 10-year-old son, Christian Roberts, had put him in the hallway then sprayed him with Febreze last week. Other kids at Twillingate Island Elementary School had teased him over the fried capelin meal she’d made him, she said.


     Round of applause for this woman.  I don't care if you're in graduate school or preschool there's always going to be that smelly fucker in your class that you want nothing to do with.  I know this article says it was the kids lunch but no way that's not the scapegoat for this kid's lack of good hygiene.  I'll never forget in second grade there was this kid that reeked of piss and what made it even worse is that he sat in front of the fan for the last 2 months of school when it was 99 degrees in the class room. So not only was it hotter than the hinges of Hell but the entire room just reeked of piss.  I would have paid my teacher to febreeze that kid or at least move him to the back of the room.
     That being said I give this woman a A for effort but and F on execution.  Great idea to febreeze the smelly kid but the kids in elementary school you're telling me you couldn't come up with a more subtle way to do it? Jesus I can think of ten ways to do it off the top of my head. How about you tell everyone it's time for desk cleanup and spray febreeze  on everyones desk and tell them it's cleaner, then when you get the smelly kid just "accidentally" give him a more direct spray.  Jesus, they're in elementary school half the kids can't even whip their own asses never mind know the difference between windex and febreeze.  
  

Everyone Needs To Stop With The Whitney Houston Bull Shit

   

     I get it, the bitch is dead enough.  Don't get me wrong, this death was tragic, she was a very sick individual and no one deserves to go the way she went but save the sob story will ya.  I can't take all the fake, ignorant cunts that act like they give a shit about her.  Two weeks ago if you asked a random person on the street about Whitney Houston I'd probably get a bunch of people talking about her interview with Dian Sawyer with crack is wack.  Now, if you even mention Bobby Brown and all that shit your an ass hole. It's like you die and instantly you go from sinner to saint.  Hell Michael Jackson died almost three years ago and you still can't talk about what a fucking wack job he was.
     Newsflash: you didn't give a fuck about this woman when she was alive. Why does that suddenly change when she OD's in a bathtub at the Beverly Hills Hilton? (Sidenote: did anyone think it was awkward to see the Hilton commercial at the end of the Grammy's broadcast last night?) Was this woman very talented? Yes. Was her death tragic? Yes. Is it necessary to obsess over every song she's ever released and watch every second of her Goddamn wake and funeral? Absolutely not.
     You never even knew the chick! That's one of many things I'll never understand: how you can be so upset over someone dying that you never met that you feel the need to obsess over it.  I could see maybe if it was due to some great injustice or the death of a person of power but to obsess over a singer? Last time I checked Whitney hasn't come out with new music in a long time and she wasn't an advisor to Barack or anything so her death impacts me in no way what so ever.  If you really are that upset maybe buy I Will Always Love You on iTunes and delete the shitty quality version you ripped off youtube you cheap loser.  And maybe while you're at it light a fuckin candle or some shit and move on.  No need to bury your head in the sand until she's six feet under.  Life goes on, there are millions more people out there in the same exact situation she was maybe you could do something to help the living? Or God forbid actually be conscious of the world around you and I mean relevant current events (that doesn't include what cock Kim Kardashian is currently slurping on).

Man Steals Sex Toy At Knife Point...Still At Large

TSG:  In a bid to capture the armed robber who last month stole a $250 sex doll from an Iowa City adult store, police today released a surveillance photo showing the suspect making off with the item.

Before releasing the store surveillance photo, cops pixelated it to obscure explicit images on the box of the “Fuck Me Silly #1” model “mega masturbator.” As previously reported, the stolen 20-pound sex doll is described by its manufacturer as “the most realistic piece of ass you ever fucked...Slap that big round ass and listen to the whack...it sounds and feels just like a real ass!”

According to police, the robber displayed a large hunting knife to a Romantix employee before leaving with the sex doll (the box for which is seen above). Cops described the suspect as a “white male, approximately 5'8" - 5'10", 165 lbs.”

In return for information leading to the man’s arrest, Iowa City Area CrimeStoppers is offering an award of up to $1000.

     So it's safe to say that they're not gonna be getting their plastic ass in any kind of sellable shape.  Those things look cool and all but how the fuck does that shit work? Like obviously you put the thing in the microwave to heat it up and then pretend its some two dollar whore or Modonna or some shit but how does clean up work? That's always been the great mystery of male sex toys. Does dyson have some 2-in-1 sex toy cleaner/blow job machine? Like it must feel bad enough fucking a plastic ass,  imagine how degrading it feels to fucking go in there with lysol wipes or some shit and clean it out.  They should make Mr. Clean dildos that jizz windex or some shit to clean that shit out.  They'd obviously have to be small so you don't stretch that shit out but I feel like strapping on a cleaning dildo would be slightly less humiliating than cleaning it with your tears right?  Like imagine you just finished fucking this plastic ass now you gotta lug the 20 pound hunk of plastic full of splooge to the bathroom so you can wash it out. That's some depressing shit right there.  
    


P.S. What's kinda ironic about this is if this guy get's caught he's gonna be some dude's 165 pound, self-cleaning sex toy in prison.